


today's memories (will make us smile tomorrow)

by ElysiumDreams



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Anterograde Amnesia, Drama, M/M, Romance, Unbeta'd, bnm boys have very minor roles in this, panwink ficfest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-03-21 16:36:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13744968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElysiumDreams/pseuds/ElysiumDreams
Summary: He checks the clock again. 11:58 PM."What was your favorite part?" Guanlin asks. Just like he does every other year, he's been told.Jihoon smiles, looking down shyly. "You," he answers simply. "It's always you."





	today's memories (will make us smile tomorrow)

**Author's Note:**

> OH MY GOOOOOSH I FINISHED THIS HFIOSFJPS.
> 
> I really didn't think I was gonna get this finished in time... Technically I didn't but... I really didn't think I was gonna get it done at all. Why? Because I'm LAZY. I didn't realize how heavy a prompt I picked until I found myself absolutely stuck with where to take this story... But honestly I'm very very satisfied with how it turned out?? I promise I didn't just pull this out of my ass, everything has been planned, it's just been a matter of finding the right words to tell the story.. Still, I hope you all really enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it! And thank you to Jess for organizing this ficfest!
> 
> Some notes!! Well, anterograde amnesia is a real thing and uh... I just wanted to say if you've read the KaiSoo anterograde amnesia fic and if this is at all similar to it (which it probably isn't because the author of that fic is actually a god/goddess and i'm just trash), I didn't steal anything from it ok, I actually haven't read it before, but I can tell you now their writing skills are probably 1000x better than mine.
> 
> Also I didn't beta read this so there's honestly probably a lot of errors because once I start typing I just keep going without ever checking myself oops so I'm sorry if this is unreadable because there's just so many errors oops. 
> 
> The title comes from Remember That by BTOB :)
> 
> I know there's a lot of plot points I didn't address in this too, so if you have any questions, let me know, and I'll do my best to explain something! Thank you!
> 
> Without further ado, please enjoy!!

“So?”

 

Jihoon turns suddenly towards Guanlin. He can't help but notice how pretty the younger boy looks like this. Under the light of a full moon, Guanlin glows so radiantly. His pale skin is like moonlight itself, and his beautiful, handsome smile has Jihoon’s heart skipping a beat. Guanlin leans so casually over the railing of the balcony, and he looks so cool.

 

He checks the watch on his wrist. 11:57pm.

 

Playfully, he grins up at Guanlin. “So what?”

 

“Was it a good year?” 

 

Guanlin asks him the same question every year at the exactly same time. At least that's what he's been told. He snorts softly, rubbing at his nose as his cheeks redden a little. 

 

His year… It had its ups and downs. But he wouldn't trade a single moment of it.

 

“Yeah… It was a good year.” He feels a smile on his face as Guanlin suddenly inches closer, but he somehow feels shy suddenly, especially as the younger boy tentatively places a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Next time this year, I should ask you to marry me, don't you think?”

 

Jihoon chokes suddenly, looking at his boyfriend incredulously. “Yah, Lai Guanlin!” he laughs, smacking him on the arm. Guanlin just chuckles, and the sound is perhaps one of the most beautiful, melodic things he's ever heard.

 

He checks the clock again. 11:58pm. 

 

“What was your favorite part?” Guanlin asks. Just like every other year, he's been told.

 

Jihoon smiles, looking down shyly. “You,” he answers simply. “It's always you.”

 

Guanlin smiles too, a hand gently rubbing down Jihoon’s arm. “You're right.”

 

“Gosh, you're such a dork--” Jihoon says as he rolls his eyes. He's turned now, fitting perfectly in Guanlin’s arms as he wraps his arms around his waist. It's a little hard with Jihoon’s thick coat, but it's still comfortable; Jihoon feels like he's at home. 

 

He plants his hands on the taller boy’s chest, checking the time again. 11:59 pm.

 

With wide eyes, he looks up at Guanlin. The shine brightly, laced with a sense of sadness. Guanlin’s miror the look, but he can tell that he's trying to hide it, as he sucks in a deep breath.

 

“Should we…?” Jihoon trails off nervously, biting his lip.

 

Guanlin doesn't hesitate, only offering a soft smile at him. “Happy New Year, hyung.”

 

And like that Guanlin’s lips are on his. His countdown begins then.

 

_ Thirty. _

 

Guanlin’s lips are soft, and he wonders if he's always been this eager when he kisses him. He braces himself against his lips, tilting his head to deepen the kiss.

 

_ Twenty-nine. _

 

Guanlin’s lips move slowly, carefully, and Jihoon starts to get a little breathless. But he doesn't dare to pull away, not as long as he keeps him in his arms like this.

 

_ Twenty-eight. _

 

_ Twenty-seven. _

 

_ Twenty-six. _

 

_ Twenty-five. _

 

His cheeks are wet. He's crying, but he doesn't know why, and he still doesn't want to stop, his breath careful against Guanlin’s lips as he stops for a moment, then kisses him once more. Seconds pass, and he's running out of time.

 

_ Twenty-four. _

 

_ Twenty-three. _

 

_ Twenty-two. _

 

_ Twenty-one. _

 

_ Twenty. _

 

_ I want to remember this _ , Jihoon says as Guanlin caresses his back. He wonders if Guanlin is crying too, but he's too scared to open his eyes to check.

 

_ Nineteen. _

 

_ Eighteen. _

 

_ Seventeen. _

 

_ Sixteen. _

 

_ Fifteen. _

 

_ Fourteen. _

 

_ Thirteen.  _

 

_ Twelve. _

 

_ Eleven. _

 

_ Ten. _

 

He's waiting for fireworks to go off any second now.

 

_ Nine. _

 

Guanlin sweetly cups his cheek.

 

_ Eight. _

 

_ Please _ , Jihoon begs whoever is listening.  _ Just this once I want to remember. _

 

_ Seven. _

 

He's so breathless now, but he doesn't want to pull away, doesn't want to let go of this moment.

 

_ Six. _

 

Why does life have to be so cruel to him?

 

_ Five. _

 

_ Four. _

 

_ Three. _

 

_ Two. _

 

_ One. _

 

_ I love you, Lai Guanlin.  _

 

And just like that, Jihoon only sees white.

 

He blinks a few times, and spots appear in his vision, like memories bursting, then fading away. There's an intense, loud ringing in his ears that makes him cringe, and when his vision finally starts to become clear, Jihoon feels a soft breath of relief escape.

 

There's no more weird sensations. Around him, he hears the hustle and bustle of the city, loud fireworks crackling in the sky. When he looks out, they erupt in a burst of colors before sparkling and fizzling out, only to be remembered for mere moments, then another firework appears after it.

 

For a while, that's all that captures his attention. He looks out over the balcony, enjoying the pretty display of exploding lights in the sky.

 

And then beside him, someone clears his voice. He's startled by the sound and jumps a little, immediately seeking out that someone.

 

In front of him, there's a tall, lanky and rather handsome looking boy. He's dressed nicely, Jihoon reckons, and he looks youthful, but despite the smile on his pretty, full lips, the look in his eyes is sad… But Jihoon doesn't really know why.

 

“Jihoon?” the boy speaks. Surprised, Jihoon flinches.

 

“You--” he begins, “How do you know my name..?” He's stiff like a board, a precaution just in case this stranger tries something funny. He may looking handsome and innocent, but Jihoon can't be sure of that. 

 

“Ah…” the boy sighs. The sound is exasperated, but somehow not frustrated. Almost as if he had been expecting that very response. “You really do always have the same response…”

 

Jihoon raises a brow. “What?”

 

Though he looks defeated, the boy still smiles, straightens out the coat he's wearing a little before shoving his hands into his pockets and staring right at Jihoon with big, brown, soft and sad eyes. Jihoon’s heart aches with the sight.

 

“My name is Lai Guanlin and… You probably don't believe me but I’m your boyfriend,” he says. “I have been for three years now.”

 

For a moment, all Jihoon feels is numbness. A part of him almost wants to reject what he's heard, pretend that he hadn't heard it at all. When that passes, there's denial— he couldn't have heard Guanlin correctly, right? Surely Jihoon would recognize his own boyfriend.

 

“You-- you what? Boyfriend--? Don't be ridiculous--” Jihoon sputters, shaking his head as he forces a laugh. 

 

“I'm serious, Jihoon,” Guanlin says, his voice pleading to be heard. “Just listen to me.”

 

“I can't listen to this, it's nonsense,” Jihoon replies, shaking his head and shooing Guanlin away, heading back inside. The balcony is getting cold always, and Jihoon doesn't want to be with this weird stranger any longer.

 

“Wait--!” Guanlin says, grabbing at his wrist. The grip is tight, a little painful, and Jihoon scowls, turns to yell at the boy to  _ leave him alone,  _ but then he begins again-- “Your name is Park Jihoon and you're twenty-one years old; you have one older brother and you don't talk to him often. You love chicken but you hate eating it with anything other than cola… and you have a little heart shaped mole on your butt!”

 

Jihoon gasps, and this time he tears his arm away from the stranger, staring at him incredulously. How could Guanlin know something so specific about him, something he hardly even told his closest friends. Is this guy  _ stalking _ him? He definitely doesn't seem like the type, but Jihoon really has no other idea how Guanlin could  _ know  _ these things about him. 

 

Though he still feels the adrenaline coursing through him, Jihoon calms a little, still staring at Guanlin in disbelief. Guanlin just stares back at him, smiling softly before he looks down at his own feet. 

 

“You're Park Jihoon, you're my boyfriend and you have a condition called retrograde amnesia.”

 

Jihoon scrunches his face at that. Retrograde amnesia..? “What's…?”

 

“It's a condition that impairs your memory,” Guanlin answers. “But unlike regular amnesia, instead of forgetting things in your past, you're unable to create new memories. In your case, you typically only have a year to make memories before they're all erased on midnight… New Year's Day.” 

 

With his words, it feels like there's a heavy hold on his heart, and it's squeezing it until it's aching, sinking deep into his chest in his disbelief and horror. Guanlin can't be telling the truth. Jihoon refuses to believe it.

 

Taking a deep breath, Jihoon looks down at the watch on his wrist. It's 12:04 AM now. New Year’s Day, just as Guanlin had said. He looks up at the taller boy with wide eyes, and he just smiles softly in response.

 

“Every New Year’s Eve at 11:59 PM, I kiss you.. and I keep kissing you until we’re in the new year. So even if you don't remember me, we still start the year together,” Guanlin explains. Jihoon almost wants to throw up at the thought of that, it's so gross and cheesy, he would never--

 

Still, there's sincerity in Guanlin’s eyes. Jihoon wants to deem it nothing more than the childlike appearance that the boy has, but somehow, he can feel his hurt, his desperation for Jihoon to believe him. He doesn't look away after that, and Jihoon doesn't either, searching his eyes as he searches for  _ some _ kind of affirmation that this boy is totally bluffing, that he does not have retrograde amnesia, and that he's just a mere stranger that knows some creepy things about him, but…. There's nothing.

 

Jihoon lets out a shaky breath, his hardened expression crumbling as his brows soften and his eyes go wide in realization. “You're telling the truth, aren't you?”

 

Guanlin nods sadly; Jihoon can see the outline of his hands balling into fist within his pockets.

 

The last firework explodes in the sky at that very moment before it dies out again, leaving the skies empty once more.

 

—

 

Guanlin takes Jihoon home after that.

 

Jihoon recognizes his own car in the parking lot, but truthfully, he doesn't think his mind is clear enough to drive home. So Guanlin offers instead. He's a little uncomfortable, letting someone else drive his car, his  _ baby,  _ but he's pretty sure he might crash it in his distraught state.

 

It's silent the entire ride. Jihoon doesn't have anything to say, despite the million things that race through his mind. And Guanlin… Guanlin looks like he wants to say something too. But they both stay silent, not even the radio to make things less awkward.

 

Perhaps when they're halfway home, Jihoon coughs gently. “So…”

 

Beside him, Guanlin glances towards him, then brings his eyes back to the road. “Yeah..?”

 

Jihoon purses his lips, unsure of what to say. “So.. You're my boyfriend… And this is our third year together…?”

 

“It'll be our fourth,” Guanlin corrects, his voice still hesitant and quiet. He wonders how he's managed to deal with this so many times already.

 

“Oh--” Jihoon says. He pauses for a moment, and then -- “That's a long time…”

 

Guanlin nods, another soft, sad smile spreading upon his lips. 

 

“You don't get tired of this…?” Jihoon asks suddenly. He twiddles his thumbs in his lap and looks down, no longer able to even look at the younger anymore.

 

“It’s… Difficult,” Guanlin replies honestly. “But I care about you.”

 

Those words are something like a splinter in his finger; it hurts, but he’s not entire sure why. Maybe it’s because he feels bad? That he’s put Guanlin through this not once, but several times before? Or maybe it’s because there’s no guarantee that by the end of all of this, Jihoon will feel the same way he had once before. There’s even the possibility that he still doesn’t quite believe Guanlin, as much as he wants to… But it’s just so much to handle, that Jihoon really doesn’t know what else to think.

 

“Do you believe me?” Guanlin asks suddenly, as if reading Jihoon’s mind. He looks up suddenly, startled and somewhat uncertain. He winces slightly, then takes in a deep breath. At that moment, a shower of neon lights from the city outside illuminate on Guanlin’s face, and Jihoon can’t help but to notice how gorgeous it makes him look.

 

“I want to…” he finally breathes out. “I can’t promise anything to you… That I’ll love you at the end of all of this. But I’ll try my best.”

 

Beside him, he feels Guanlin stiffen a bit, and Jihoon’s just glad they’re stuck at a red light in this moment. He watches as the other boy finally relaxes, a genuine smile spreading over his lips for what feels like the first time all night. Jihoon’s heart clenches. 

 

“Thank you, hyung.”

 

The corner of Jihoon’s lips twitch up slightly, and he shakes his head. “The light is green, pay attention--”

 

Guanlin just chuckles, driving away with a smile on his lips.

 

—

 

As it turns out, Jihoon isn’t so sure about this whole “being the boyfriend of someone he hardly knows” thing. 

 

Guanlin is sweet. He knows that much. When he smiles, it’s infectious, and Jihoon wants to smile too. 

 

But it’s so strange. Jihoon can’t help but feel like Guanlin is treading on ice everytime he speaks to him… As if certain words will bring out a reaction from him that he doesn’t want. Of course, he doesn’t blame him. Even after years and years of this, Guanlin admits that it’s still difficult.

 

“It’s different every year,” he explains as they sit in his car, just having picked up chicken for dinner. He lives with Guanlin in a small but cozy apartment. Jihoon likes it there, but the small space makes him feel somewhat suffocated, so Guanlin sleeps out on the sofa until Jihoon is ready for him to lie in bed with him again.

 

“Some years, you’re more understanding,” Guanlin says. He’s got one hand on the steering wheel, and he looks forward as he speaks. “Some years, it’s harder to work things out. But… I’ve been successful every year so far, so that’s a plus?” 

 

He laughs handsomely, and Jihoon smiles to himself. “So how about this year? Is it the hardest one yet?”

 

Guanlin snorts, then looks over at Jihoon with a soft smile. “I don’t know yet. But I promise you I won’t give up until I’m successful!” 

 

Perhaps it’s just the simple implication behind his words, but Jihoon isn’t quite sure how to feel about all that he says. Perhaps if he had been more sure of his own feelings, the words would be comforting, knowing that there’s someone that doesn’t want to give up on him. But he hardly knows who he is, how he’s gotten himself into this situation at all. He wonders if a year ago, he would have a different reaction to Guanlin’s words, but for now, all he feels is uncertainty as he watches the traffic before them the rest of the way home. 

 

\--

 

Guanlin takes them out on their actual first date on February 14th, Valentine’s Day.

 

Of course, Jihoon is excited. He’s been living with Guanlin for a little over a month now, and he’s gotten to know him much better. He learns that Guanlin isn’t in college, but he does have a full-time job at a restaurant so he can pay the rent on their apartment. Sometimes he’s not home, and it brings a sense of insecurity to Jihoon. He doesn’t like being alone, so Guanlin invites his friend Jinyoung to spend time with him while he’s away at his job.

 

On Valentine’s Day, Jihoon dresses nicely because Guanlin tells him to. He also tells him that where they’re going is a secret, and as nervous as he is, he’s also anxious and excited, feels butterflies in his stomach as he looks at himself in the mirror. He’s got on a nice dress shirt with a sweater vest over it, dress slacks and shoes too, and for a moment he wonders if perhaps he’s  _ too  _ overdressed.

 

But then Guanlin comes home from work and gets dressed in a similar outfit; he’s brought home flowers too, and Jihoon feels his cheeks tint pink as he accepts them, taking them from Guanlin’s hands.

 

“Thank you,” he whispers shyly. He takes a quick whiff of them, and the sweet scent is almost intoxicating to him.

 

“You’re welcome,” Guanlin replies. He’s got a jacket thrown over his shoulder, and with how tall and slender he is, Jihoon thinks he looks absolutely handsome. “Ready to go then?”

 

Jihoon nods happily and puts the flowers into a vase before Guanlin loops his arms with his, leading him out the door.

 

His suspicions are true; Guanlin ends up taking him to a dinner for Valentine’s Day, but it’s definitely not what he had expected. Jihoon had been expecting fancy, some five-star restaurant that stuck-up adults would look at them judgingly for even stepping foot inside. He would’ve felt horribly out of place, but had still been looking forward to it.

 

Instead, Guanlin takes him to barbecue, and now, instead of feeling out of place for one reason, he suddenly feels out of place for another-- the both of them are way too overdressed for a barbecue restaurant.

 

There are eyes on them. Jihoon can sense it the second that he walks in with Guanlin on his arm. Even the hostess gives them a strange look, but she does her best to hide it as she leads them to a table just for the two of them. The lighting in the restaurant is bright, so he can see the wide smile on Guanlin’s face as he stares at him across the table.

 

“Ah, Guanlin-ah…” Jihoon whines softly at him. “Why did you want me to get all dressed up if we’re just going to barbecue?”

 

“Because,” the younger chuckles, looking over his menu. “Today is special… Even if we’re not at some fancy restaurant, I thought it would be fun to get all dressed up and go on a date. Besides, meat isn’t cheap!”

 

Jihoon just laughs, rolling his eyes at the response. Across from him, Guanlin smiles, but tilts his head questioningly. “Do you not like the idea?”

 

“Ah, no, that’s not it at all--” Jihoon shakes his head, looking down shyly. Now that he thinks about it… He does like this a lot. It feels very… Original. And Jihoon is glad that Guanlin isn’t trying to fit him into some stereotypical relationship, trying to be fancy and cheesy… 

 

Still, he can’t help but wonder what he would’ve liked in the past… Would he have hated all of this a year ago? Two years ago? The insecurity eats at him, and he stares down blankly at the table as he thinks…

 

“Jihoon-ah?”

 

He’s suddenly broken out of his daze as Guanlin calls out to him. The younger looks worried, leaning forward a bit as he speaks. “Are you okay?”

 

Jihoon purses his lips before nodding, doing his best to give a reassuring smile. “Mmm.. I’m fine, really.. I like this idea a lot, actually.”

 

Guanlin let’s out a sigh of relief before smiling at him too, his fingers playing nervously with his chopsticks. “Ah, I’m relieved… Let’s have a good year together, okay…?”

 

Jihoon smiles, determined to do just as Guanlin has said.

 

And so their Valentine’s Day happens just like that. For the next hour, they barbecue meat together on the small grill in front of him. Guanlin tells them stories of other dates they’ve been on, and Jihoon is fascinated, often on the cusp of disbelief or amazement. It’s as if he and Guanlin have done everything together… Going to the beach, buying an apartment together, flying abroad… He wishes he could remember it all. But there’s at least some kind of comfort in knowing that it happened at all.

 

Before they leave, Guanlin pulls out a polaroid camera, and Jihoon blinks in confusion. He explains that he likes to take pictures after every date, after every moment that he can.

 

“I have an album, actually… Lots of them,” Guanlin explains as he checks the developed photo. “All of our dates from the past few years… I’ve kept the memories of them all, so I can show you them whenever you’re ready to see them.”

 

At that, Jihoon gapes in awe. “Really?”

 

He’s not sure how he’d handle photo albums and photo albums of memories that he cannot remember, but he hopes that he’ll be able to look at them some time soon.

 

When they go home, Guanlin is quiet, but he smiles so brightly that Jihoon is taken aback.

 

“What is it?” he asks with a slight chuckle, closing the door behind them.

 

“Nothing…” he replies, shaking his head. “I just had a good night, that’s all. Goodnight, hyung.”

 

With that, Guanlin makes his way into the bathroom so he can get undressed. Jihoon feels something stirring in his heart as he watches him walk away, staring at his back. Before the bathroom door can shut, he suddenly calls out-- “Guanlin-ah!”

 

Surprised, Guanlin turns around, eyes wide and shocked. Jihoon meets his gaze, and he suddenly feels shy, almost regrets having called to him at all. 

 

_ You can do this, Jihoon,  _ he tells himself. He fumbles with the hem of his sleeve before quietly speaking, “... Would you like to lie in bed with me tonight…?”

 

And he watches as Guanlin’s eyes light up with so much happiness that Jihoon himself feels that happiness spreading in his own chest. The taller boy strides towards him, and in a matter of seconds, Jihoon finds himself enveloped in a big, tight hug, Guanlin’s long limbs wrapped around him.

 

Jihoon’s first instinct is to push him away; as familiar as he’s grown with Guanlin, he’s associated this kind of contact with affection, love, romance, and he’s still not sure if he feels that way about him. Instead, he let’s Guanlin hug him, because why not? Guanlin has good intentions… And if he doesn’t let him do these small gestures, how will he ever be sure how he feels about him? It’s hard and confusing, but Jihoon… Jihoon wants to try. He wants to at least try and make sense of all of this, but that won’t happen if he pushes Guanlin away all the time. Sure, Guanlin respects his boundaries, but Jihoon has to try if they’re to make this work at all. 

 

So, as Guanlin hugs him, Jihoon brings his arms around him too, nowhere near as tightly as Guanlin holds him, but… It’s a start, he thinks. And Guanlin seems satisfied too.

 

They dress for bed after that, and Guanlin joins him in the bedroom. He seems uncertain at first, tentative, but Jihoon just rolls his eyes before tugging him down. The taller flops down on to the mattress, and the two of them giggle uncontrollably as the untangle the sheets from their limbs, lying underneath them together. 

 

Guanlin keeps to himself, but his mere presence is comforting enough for Jihoon, and allows him to sleep without worries that night.

 

\--

 

After that, it feels as if a rift suddenly grows between Jihoon and Guanlin, and that rift exists in the form of Bae Jinyoung, Guanlin’s friend that he had invited to come over whenever he had work.

 

At first, Jihoon had just been glad that he had someone there with him whenever Guanlin was away. Jinyoung is quiet, but he’s good company, Jihoon thinks. He listens whenever Jihoon needs to talk about how insecure he feels given his predicament, gives advice whenever he asks for it. 

 

But eventually, Jihoon can feel himself developing feelings for his newfound friend. 

 

It’s nothing more than a crush, he’s certain that Jinyoung doesn’t even feel the same way, but Jihoon still feels horrible, especially when Guanlin comes home and Jinyoung leaves, and suddenly Jihoon doesn’t want to do anything anymore.

 

He wonders if Guanlin can tell that he’s fallen for Jinyoung. He notices that the younger gives him more space nowadays, but he’s still the same, smiles brightly whenever JIhoon makes little jokes, and still takes him on little dates and makes sure to take a polaroid afterwards for an album that Jihoon still has yet to see.

 

When he checks the calendar, it’s March 29th. April is coming, and Jihoon feels like by now, he should have already realized his own feelings for Guanlin. After all, what was the point of falling in love with someone and only being able to love them for a short amount of time? How long would it take? Would he finally fall in love with Guanlin when it’s December, and he only has days left before all of this begins again? 

 

He hates this, he thinks. He hates not being able to remember things, not being able to fall in love with Guanlin like he wants to, falling in love with his best friend instead… 

 

Jinyoung doesn’t show up that day, something about a date, and Jihoon feels himself crumbling. He’s not sure how he can keep doing this. The uncertainty of this life is overwhelming, and he feels as if he’s slowly going crazy,

 

Guanlin comes home from work that day and finds Jihoon buried underneath the blankets of their shared bed, sniffling and sobbing as he cries silently to himself.

 

“Jihoon?” Guanlin calls worriedly, and Jihoon flinches. He hadn’t wanted Guanin to see him like this, but time had slipped through his fingers, and he had forgotten that he would be coming home soon.

 

When the bed dips with Guanlin’s weight, Jihoon tries to silence his tears, but he can’t control the sniffles that escape as his body is wracked with sobs. He feels Guanlin’s hand rest on his shoulder over the blankets, giving a gentle and reassuring squeeze.

 

“Hyung… Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it..?” Guanlin asks cautiously. His voice is calming and kind, and Jihoon feels guilty, like he’s breaking his heart just by existing like this.

 

Hesitantly, he pulls the blankets away. He’s sure he looks hideous like this, with snot running down his nose, cheeks blotchy and eyes puffy as he cries. But Guanlin just reaches out with a tissue and wipes all that away, then holds Jihoon as he cries.

 

And Jihoon welcomes the affection. Guanlin’s arms are warm and comforting, and remind him that he isn’t alone in all of this. 

 

“Hyung… Don’t push yourself,” Guanlin suddenly says, whispering against his shoulder. “I would rather you be happy instead of forcing yourself to love me.”

 

Jihoon feels his heart drop suddenly. Guanlin  _ must  _ know how he feels about Jinyoung… Jihoon feels horrible, and he can’t even bring himself to look at the other.

 

“I’m sorry…” Jihoon says, his chin still hooked over Guanlin’s shoulder. “You’re so selfless, and I know you care about me, but… It’s just so hard like this. I just want to figure all of this out.”

 

“I know…” Guanlin replies, his hand rubbing at Jihoon’s back. “I understand, I really do. I want you to be happy, even if that happiness doesn’t include me.”

 

And this time, Jihoon feels his heart break for an entirely different reason than it had been broken before. This time, his heart breaks for Guanlin, because as much as he wants to love him, this precious, wonderful boy who has been nothing but loving and caring towards him, Jihoon cannot bring himself to do it, and it kills him inside.

 

“I’m sorry,” Jihoon says.

 

Guanlin just stays silent, and continues to rub Jihoon’s back until he’s lulled to sleep. 

 

\--

 

Summer rolls around, and Jihoon somehow feels like he’s given new life.

 

Technically, spring is supposedly the season of rebirth, but there’s something about the hot weather, the idea of going on summer vacations that makes Jihoon excited, eager to get out of the apartment, and explore the world around them.

 

None of those trips involve Guanlin, however.

 

He remembers how hurt the other had been when he had told him that he didn’t want him to tag along for a beach vacation. He had been invited by Jinyoung and Daehwi, Jinyoung’s new boyfriend. It had taken a while for Jihoon to get used to the idea that his crush had someone else that he liked, but eventually, he learned to deal with it. After all, he’d just forget about Jinyoung in a few months anyways. And Daehwi is a nice guy too, he’s glad that Jinyoung has someone like him by his side.

 

Jinyoung invites Guanlin too, much too Jihoon’s irritation. The younger boy comes home from work one day, raving about how excited he is for their beach vacation as he makes dinner. Jihoon sits at the kitchen table, trying to keep his feelings for himself when he finally just… Explodes.

 

“I don’t want you to come.”

 

Guanlin stops suddenly. The only sound in the apartment is the faint whistling of a pot on the stove, but other than that, it’s silent. Jihoon doesn’t feel bad, but he doesn’t dare look up at Guanlin… Not yet at least.

 

Guanlin breaks the silence first. “What do you mean?” 

 

“I mean I don’t want you to come. You’re always hovering over me, like I can’t take care of myself.” He stares down at the wooden table underneath his hands, studying the grooves of wood. “You told me you didn’t care if I didn’t love you back, but yet you’re still trying.”

 

The other is still left frozen where he stands at the kitchen island. Jihoon feels inclined to look up at him to make sure he’s still there, but a small huff of breath tells him that he is. That heavy sigh moves something in Jihoon, but he refuses to acknowledge it. 

 

The younger stands there a moment longer, and then Jihoon listens as he puts whatever tool that’s in his hand on the counter, turns off the stove before stomping away, out the door and out of the apartment. The door’s slam rings in Jihoon’s ears, but he still refuses to turn around. 

 

Needless to say, Guanlin doesn’t tag along with them for their beach vacation… Jihoon worries that perhaps he’ll be stuck third-wheeling the entire time, but he thinks it’ll be better than having Guanlin pining over him all weekend, hoping for something to change in the relationship along the way.

 

But he figures that the younger must’ve said something to Jinyoung, because it feels as if the younger is cautious around him, speaking in a way that doesn’t seem natural, unlike their usual conversation. Jihoon sits silently in the back of Jinyoung’s car as they drive to the beach, staring at his and Daehwi’s joined hands over the stick shift the entire drive.

 

When they arrive, Jihoon suddenly isn’t feeling it anymore. He had been looking forward to the ocean breeze, the intense healing feeling that it brings. But instead, when the breeze hits, he just feels even more lonely than before. The wideness of the ocean reminds him of his own perceptions of his memory, all that has been forgotten, and all that he’ll never be able to remember again. 

 

Jinyoung taps his shoulder lightly, making sure he’s alright before accompanying him into their beach house for the weekend. 

 

“We’re going to the beach,” Jinyoung says as he enters Jihoon’s room without knocking. His isn’t complaining, however, he’s all unpacked and isn’t doing much, other than lying in bed and scrolling through his phone, something he could’ve been doing at home rather than being here.

 

“Okay,” he replies, double-tapping his screen to like an Instagram photo. “Have fun.”

 

Unsatisfied, Jinyoung sits beside him, the bed dipping with his weight. “Jihoon-hyung, is something wrong? You’ve been acting strange since we left. Is it something Guanlin?”

 

No--” he responds immediately, but the rapid response is proof enough for Jinyoung. He raises a brow in disbelief. He sighs softly before turning around again, not meeting Jinyoung’s gaze.

 

“He cares about you a lot, you know,” Jinyoung says. His voice seems far away, but Jihoon still listens carefully. “I know it’s hard, living like this, and I can’t force you to fall for him… Hell, I don’t even know how he makes you fall for him year after year but… It’s hard on him, too. You have to understand that.”

 

Jihoon huffs, sitting up. “You don’t think this is hard on me too? I hardly know who I am, and suddenly on New Year’s Day, a total stranger tells me we’ve been dating for four years, and I’m supposed to just believe him?” 

 

“You don’t have to believe him,” Jinyoung retorts. “But you should at least know that he’s sincere in the way that he feels. Guanlin would do anything for you, hyung. I’ve seen him throughout the years, how much he gives up to make you happy, even though it’s never a guarantee that you’ll fall in love with him over and over again. Truthfully, this is the longest it’s ever taken him, and I think it’s starting to affect him quite a bit.”

 

“Well I’m sorry, I don’t know what to tell you--”

 

“I’m not asking you to fall in love with him just to make him happy. Of course your happiness always comes first, no matter what,” Jinyoung finally says sternly. Jihoon has never heard him speak in such a tone before. “I just want you to realize how much you mean to him. He’s made you happy in the past, and if you gave him a chance… I don’t doubt that he’ll keep making you happy in the future.”

 

Then, without another word, Jinyoung leaves, leaving the door open just a crack before he and Daehwi leave for the beach together, leaving Jihoon alone with nothing but his racing thoughts.

 

\--

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Weeks pass after the beach trip, but Jihoon still cannot find the words to say to Guanlin to explain how he feels, so he avoids him for as long as he can. It’s hard to do, but Jihoon has at least memorized Guanlin’s work schedule so he can pretend to be asleep when he comes back home, our go out to get some fresh air. He’s certain that Guanlin is avoiding him too, because sometimes he doesn’t even come back from work, not until late, when Jihoon has really fallen asleep.

 

But undoubtedly, he feels guilty, and as June turns into July, Jihoon figures that he just  _ really  _ needs to apologize.

 

So one night, he catches Guanlin just as he’s coming home from another late-night outing. It’s 1 AM in the morning, and Jihoon nearly falls asleep on the couch waiting for him. But when the living room lights flicker on, he stirs awake, rubbing his eyes until an amused Guanlin finally comes into view.

 

“I’m sorry…” he repeats, stumbling towards Guanlin, like he’s drunk, but really, he’s just disoriented and a little sleepy. That feeling wears off slowly, as he begins to realize the situation his in.

 

Guanlin refuses to look at him. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for…” he says, staring at the candle that’s lit in the kitchen. “Now excuse me, I need to go to sleep--”

 

“ _ No--”  _ Jihoon protests, and as Guanlin tries to pass him by, he tugs on his sleeve, halting him. A look of annoyance flickers on the younger’s face, but he doesn’t pull away. That’s a start, Jihoon figures. “I just really want to apologize… You’ve been nothing but kind to me all year and I’ve just been… A jerk. I’m really sorry.”

 

He watches as Guanlin’s gaze shifts, and his eyes pierce into his for a brief moment before he turns away again. “ Don’t be sorry… I understand, amnesia is hard to deal with and you’re just doing what you need to do to be happy. Don’t let me get in your way.”

 

“Guanlin, you’re not listening to me--” Jihoon frowns, his fingers tightening in his sleeve. He’s about to continue, but suddenly--

 

“I’m not listening to  _ you? _ ” Guanlin scoffs, then rolls his eyes. This time, his gaze never leaves Jihoon, as he lets his frustrations out. “Jihoon-hyung, I may never know what it’s like to live the life you do. I know that living with amnesia isn’t a walk in the park, but neither is being in love with someone that has amnesia either.

 

“I’m trying to be strong, to remind myself that there’s never a guarantee that you’re going to fall in love with me again every year. But after four years of being in love with you, of being in a happy relationship, you have to understand that this isn’t easy for me either. But your happiness is what matters to me most. So if you really want me out of your life, then just do it. Get rid of me. But don’t play games with me, don’t expect me to be okay after four whole years of being in love with someone who’s never been guaranteed to love me back--”

 

Guanlin is cut off suddenly, however, because in the moments following his words, Jihoon is on his tippy-toes, pressing his lips to his and capturing Guanlin’s words on his tongue. The kiss takes the taller boy by surprise, and he can feel his shoulders tense under his grasp, but they soon relax, his arms wrapping around Jihoon’s waist. The way he holds him close, the sparks that seem to fly as Guanlin kisses him… It’s as if  _ this  _ is what Jihoon’s been searching for all year, the moment that he’s been waiting for, for everything to fall into place.

 

When he pulls away, he slowly opens his eyes. Guanlin is looking at him, his eyes full of confusion, but also hope, hope that he knows he shouldn’t crush. 

 

Jihoon gently squeezes Guanlin’s shoulders. “I’m… I’m really sorry Guanlin. I didn’t know how you felt. This whole time, I’ve thought about myself, and I didn’t realize how something like this could hurt the people who actually… Love me. And care about me. Especially you.”

 

He can sense Guanlin growing shy in his words, and he almost can’t believe the blushing boy in his arms is the same one that had been shouting at him only moments before. He purses his lips, sighing softly. “I’m trying my best, hyung. But it’s hard. I don’t want to fail… I don’t want to lose you.”

 

Jihoon just nods before he brings Guanlin down for a hug. He holds him close, and is reminded of all the times he’s let Guanlin comfort him and tell him things are going to be okay. This time, however, it’s him doing the comforting instead.

 

“It’s okay… I’m sorry,” he says as he rubs Guanlin’s back, hooking his chin over his shoulder and closing his eyes. “We’re going to try this for real… Okay?”

 

When he pulls away, Guanlin is smiling, and while his eyes are still red, but at least he’s smiling, and it’s the realest smile Jihoon has seen him smile all year. 

 

It’s almost 2 AM, but instead of going to bed, Jihoon refuses to sleep, instead follows Guanlin as crawls on to his knees and starts pulling photo album after photo album out from underneath the bed, carefully setting them on the mattress until there’s nothing else to pull out. Jihoon rests against the headboard and counts them all-- approximately nineteen albums sit in front of him with four empty ones set aside (Guanlin says he had bought them for this year). 

 

“One for every season,” he explains, “Though, of course, I usually ended up taking more photos than necessary.”

 

Jihoon grins softly, and when Guanlin hands him the first album, he runs his fingers gently over the front of it.  _ 2013,  _ it reads.  _ The beginning.  _

 

Jihoon flips through every single photo album, from start to finish. Often, he finds himself lingering on certain pages, where he notices just how happy is, and how happy Guanlin is as stands, lies, sits beside him. They look so young in some of the photos, but they’re happy together, and that’s what matters most, Jihoon things.

 

A lot of the photos are from dates, Jihoon notices. Dinner dates, beach dates, shopping dates…  Some of the photos are from more relaxed moments… There’s one where Jihoon is just sitting on the couch with a bowl of popcorn in his lap, and in thick marker, is labeled “ _ movie night in!”  _ Another is just the two of them lying in bed, Guanlin holding the polaroid over their heads and Jihoon posing with a peace sign; a similar photograph from the same night has them with their lips locked, and Jihoon feels his heart warm as he looks at it.

 

Guanlin really has documented every single one, with each polaroid taken containing a date written on the bottom. The photo books are arranged in chronological order, and Jihoon finds it satisfying to watch as they grow up together throughout the years. 

 

It’s so strange that he’ll never remember these moments, but he can still feel his heart swelling with love as he flips through pages, as if he’s reading some picture perfect love story… Still, he can’t believe that it’s his. 

 

Of course, Jihoon has found that their love story is far from perfect… But it’s been worth it, he thinks, judging by each and every photo that he views. When he’s finished with the last one, he looks up at Guanlin, and the other boy seems content, smiling fondly at him.

 

Jihoon smiles back before reaching up and cupping his cheek in a hand, bringing his lips to peck softly at Guanlin’s cheek.

 

“We’ll make this work. I promise.”

 

Guanlin chuckles softly, then nods in reply. “I believe in you. I always have.”

 

They put the albums away, and for the first time all year, Jihoon allows himself to fall asleep in Guanlin’s arms as the sun begins to rise in the sky.

 

\--

 

Jihoon considers their first real date of the year to be on August 24th. A Friday.

 

It had been difficult for Guanlin to find time off from work, but he had requested that day off specifically, told Jihoon that he had something very special planned for them both.

 

This time, he doesn’t tell Jihoon to dress fancy, like the very first date they had gone on earlier in the year. Instead, he tells Jihoon to dress comfortably, and when the night comes, he takes Jihoon out of the apartment, drives him out to the city and takes him to a bike rental place where he pays for both of their bikes, then tells Jihoon to hop on.

 

“Last year, you said you really wanted to go biking to the Han River,” Guanlin explains as he fastens a helmet over Jihoon’s head. “I don’t know how the idea is something we’ve never done before, but there’s a first time for everything, right?” 

 

Jihoon blinks up at the other before grinning brightly and nodding in agreement. 

 

“Ready to go?” Guanlin asks, and then they take off together.

 

It’s a beautiful night, really. The city is illuminated by thousands of city lights, crowds of people, but as they begin to near the river, it clears up a bit, their path becoming easier to follow.

 

Guanlin follows behind him the entire time, and every so often, Jihoon will peek behind him to make sure he’s still there. He is, of course, and each time he catches his eye, Guanlin will wink, making him laugh as he turns to face forward again. There’s comfort in knowing that the younger would always be following behind him.

 

Of course, the brightness of the city lights do not compare to the beauty of the Han River, the way that the moon reflects upon its waters from where it sits in the sky. They stop their bikes just as they reach it’s waters, and Jihoon stares in awe as he grasps the depths of the river’s radiance and grandiose. 

 

“Woah…” Jihoon says, never blinking.

 

“It’s cool, huh?” Guanlin grins, still straddling his bike, his long legs holding it in place on either side. Jihoon merely smiles, his eyes flickering from the river to Guanlin, then back to the river again.

 

Beside him, Guanlin giggles, then quiets down again, the two of them standing there in silence and simply enjoying the calm moment together. It’s not long before Guanlin is pulling his polaroid out again, and Jihoon is posing with the river in the background. There’s a flash and a shutter sound, and Jihoon waits eagerly for the photo to develop, squeezing Guanlins hand in his excitement.

 

The next date after that is a dinner and a movie, and after that, a concert. On Guanlin’s birthday, Jihoon plans a surprise party for him with the help of Jinyoung; they decorate the apartment and invite some of Guanlin’s friends. It’s a small event that isn’t too overwhelming for him, but Guanlin still enjoys it; Jihoon admires his smile from afar all night. 

 

Each date is an adventure, Jihoon thinks. Midnight snack runs to the nearest convenience store, making out in the back of a movie theatre and stopping before they get caught. Each one is commemorated with a polaroid, and at the end of the night, Jihoon watches as Guanlin slips them into a photo album, smiling fondly at the memory that is made.

 

Jihoon wishes he hadn’t been so hesitant all this time, had realized his feelings sooner than later, because as the new year nears, he begins to realize how little time they have left until he forgets all of this again, and the cycle starts all over. 

 

“Don’t,” Guanlin says one night, squeezing Jihoon’s hand as they lie in bed together. “Don’t regret anything that’s happened this year. It’s just another crazy year in this love story of ours.”

 

Jihoon snorts, scrunching his nose up at his words. “Pfft… You’re so cheesy.”

 

Guanlin laughs, shaking his head and poking at Jihoon’s nose. “You love me.”

 

Jihoon can’t deny that he does.

 

\--

 

_ November 9th. _

 

Jihoon notices that Guanlin has written “date night” underneath it on the calendar, so he gets dressed while Guanlin is at work. He’s learned that Guanlin doesn’t really like fancy, fancy dates, so he dresses comfortably, warm enough to suit the cold weather outside, and when Guanlin comes back home, he picks him up and they drive downtown together, stopping right in front of a little arcade with bright neon signs decorating the exterior. He squeezes Guanlin’s hand as they enter, shivering slightly from the cold.

 

“Aigoo,” Guanlin laughs, though his nose too is slightly red. “Don’t worry, it’s warm inside… Do you know where we are?”

 

As soon as he warms up, Jihoon looks around and examines his surroundings. At first, it seems like an ordinary arcade, all the newest games set up, fluorescent lights and noises bringing it to life. But now that Guanlin mentions it, the place seems oddly familiar, like something he’s seen in one of their photo albums before…

 

“Is this…?” Jihoon begins, eyes wide. “This is where we first met, isn’t it?”

 

“Ah, so you do remember the first polaroid I showed you,” Guanlin grins. “It’s such an embarrassing story, really… My friends dared me to go up to the cutest person in the arcade and ask them to take picture with me… I didn’t even know your name when I took that photo.”

 

Jihoon laughs, raising his brows at Guanlin as he drags him over to a crane game. “You’re so ridiculous… How did we even continue to talk?”

 

“I asked for your number,” Guanlin replies nonchalantly, digging some coins into his pocket and pushing them into the little slot. The game comes to life, and Jihoon watches as a timer starts. Guanlin moves the crane, trying to position it over one of the stuffed animals inside. “Later, when I found out you had amnesia… I got scared. But I liked you so much that I really wanted to keep trying. And I got really lucky, because here I am four years later, still by your side.”

 

At that, Jihoon chuckles. He watches as Guanlin lowers the crane, the claws squeezing around a stuffed animal so tenderly that he absolutely doubts that it’s going to even pick it up. Just as he predicts, the toy slips through, and the claw returns to its original position, leaving Guanlin empty-handed. Shame, Jihoon thinks. The plushie is really cute. “You’re going to waste your money on things like this.”

 

“Ani--” Guanlin argues, and even though he hasn’t won anything, he still reaches into the prize door, a grin on his face. “There’s something here--”

 

“No there isn’t--!” Jihoon laughs, but then he watches as Guanlin pulls his hand free, and inside of it is a little red velvet box, sitting perfectly on his palm. Guanlin sits on one knee, looking up with the brightest smile on his face, and Jihoon feels his breath catch in his throat.

 

“No--” Jihoon gasps, eyes going wide.

 

“November 9th is the exact day we met five years ago,” Guanlin explains. “In these five years, I’ve loved nobody else but you. I know this year has been rough… These past five  _ years  _ have been rough.. But I wouldn’t want it to trade it for anything in this world.”

 

Jihoon feels a tear trickle down his cheek before Guanlin can even open the box.

 

“Park Jihoon… Marry me.”

 

Jihoon sniffles before he nods wildly, holding the tears back. And then Guanlin gets up from the ground, sliding the ring on his finger. It’s a simple golden band, but it’s beautiful, Jihoon thinks, and he immediately throws his arms around Guanlin’s neck, planting a firm kiss on his tender lips.

 

When he pulls away, he’s breathless, but the happiness he feels in his chest is incomparable; his heart could possibly explode at this rate, he thinks. “I love you so much,” Jihoon says, his eyes softening as he looks into Guanlin’s.

 

With his arms wrapped around Jihoon’s waist, Guanlin smiles back, humming happily in response. “I love you too.”

 

Jihoon giggles before pulling away, letting out a loud, exaggerated sigh of disbelief. The moment is still settling in for him; he can’t believe Lai Guanlin has really proposed to him. “Aigoo… It’s a shame I won’t remember this,” he says melancholically, rubbing sheepishly at the back of his neck.

 

“Mmm, I had it recorded for you, so you could watch it in the future,” Guanlin reveals, and Jihoon’s eyes widen.

 

“What do you mean--?” 

 

Over Guanlin’s shoulder, he sees the employee working the prize booth with a camcorder in his hands and a bright grin on his lips. He recognizes him as one Guanlin’s friends that he had been introduced to at his birthday party--- Woojin, he thinks? But either way, he feels both relief and embarrassment settle in; relief in knowing that the moment had been captured for him to remember, embarrassment in knowing that there had been someone recording them all along.

 

“You’re really something else, Lai Guanlin,” Jihoon says, rolling his eyes, running a finger over the ring that adorns his hand.

 

Guanlin just leans in and pecks his cheek once more. He makes sure to pull out his polaroid, and snaps a picture of Jihoon holding his hand out, showing off the golden band around his ring finger.

 

\--

 

When New Year’s Eve rolls around, Jihoon’s emotions are all over the place.

 

A part of him is elated; he and Guanlin will marry next year, and the ring on his finger is a reminder of that, as well as the video that Woojin has sent to him, and that he keeps on his handphone. He makes it a routine to watch it every morning when he wakes up, hoping it subconsciously becomes a routine that he’ll remember even next year, after the amnesia settles in again.

 

The other part of him is scared, worried, uncertain. What if next year is the same as this year? What if the difficulties they face this time are too much for them to handle? There’s never been a guarantee that he’d fall in love with Guanlin year after year after year… What if they’ve merely gotten lucky all this time?

 

Every worry eats at him, makes him want the amnesia settle in faster, so he doesn’t have to remember how hard everything has been. But then again, he doesn’t want to forget. He doesn’t at all want to forget what’s been such a beautiful year in his life, no matter how painful it’s been.

 

No regrets. He remembers Guanlin saying something similar not too long ago, and Jihoon thinks he should feel the same way. Everything that’s happened, good or bad, has led him to this, and for that, Jihoon is grateful.

 

At exactly 11:50 PM on New Year’s Eve, Jihoon finds himself on the balcony of Jinyoung’s apartment. Inside, his friends are preparing to break in the New Year, but Jihoon just needs a breath of fresh air, needs to prepare himself as everything begins again for him. 

 

At 11:51, the sliding door opens. Jihoon doesn’t even have to turn around to know who it is. Slender arms wrap around his torso, and soft lips gently peck his cheek. “Hello my love,” Guanlin whispers, and even with the cold weather, Jihoon feels his cheeks turn pink.

 

“Hi,” he says in return, turning to smile up at him. 

 

“You’re not cold?” Guanlin asks, and Jihoon swears he can feel his arms tighten a little around him. He just shakes his head in response. “Mmmm… It’s crazy, isn’t it? We’re going to get married next year… Are you excited?”

 

Jihoon giggles and nods happily. “Ah, I can’t wait… Can we wear white suits?”

 

“Of course we can,” Guanlin nods in agreement. “We can do whatever you like.”

 

The answer is satisfying enough, so Jihoon simply turns back to the scenery in front of him, neon lights illuminating the streets below them. It’s quiet for a long time, and Jihoon just lets himself be held, savoring the comforting feeling of Guanlin’s embrace. 

 

Eventually, Guanlin let’s go, and Jihoon finds himself frowning with the loss. The younger leans over the balcony too, and the both of them look out together, as if waiting for the fireworks to erupt in the sky. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


“So?”

 

Jihoon turns suddenly towards Guanlin. He can't help but notice how pretty the younger boy looks like this. Under the light of a full moon, Guanlin glows so radiantly. His pale skin is like moonlight itself, and his beautiful, handsome smile has Jihoon’s heart skipping a beat. Guanlin leans so casually over the railing of the balcony, and he looks so cool.

 

He checks the watch on his wrist. 11:57pm.

 

Playfully, he grins up at Guanlin. “So what?”

 

“Was it a good year?” 

 

Guanlin asks him the same question every year at the exactly same time. At least that's what he's been told. He snorts softly, rubbing at his nose as his cheeks redden a little. 

 

His year… It had its ups and downs. But he wouldn't trade a single moment of it.

 

“Yeah… It was a good year.” He feels a smile on his face as Guanlin suddenly inches closer, but he somehow feels shy suddenly, especially as the younger boy tentatively places a hand on his shoulder.

 

He checks the clock again. 11:58pm. 

 

“What was your favorite part?” Guanlin asks. Just like every other year, he's been told.

 

Jihoon smiles, looking down shyly. “You,” he answers simply. “It's always you.”

 

Guanlin smiles too, a hand gently rubbing down Jihoon’s arm. “You're right.”

 

“Gosh, you're such a dork--” Jihoon says as he rolls his eyes. He's turned now, fitting perfectly in Guanlin’s arms as he wraps his arms around his waist. It's a little hard with Jihoon’s thick coat, but it's still comfortable; Jihoon feels like he's at home. 

 

He plants his hands on the taller boy’s chest, checking the time again. 11:59 pm.

 

With wide eyes, he looks up at Guanlin. The shine brightly, laced with a sense of sadness. Guanlin mirrors the look, but he can tell that he's trying to hide it, as he sucks in a deep breath.

 

“Should we…?” Jihoon trails off nervously, biting his lip.

 

Guanlin doesn't hesitate, only offering a soft smile at him. “Happy New Year, hyung.”

 

And like that Guanlin’s lips are on his. His countdown begins then.

 

_ Thirty. _

 

Guanlin’s lips are soft, and he wonders if he's always been this eager when he kisses him. He braces himself against his lips, tilting his head to deepen the kiss.

 

_ Twenty-nine. _

 

Guanlin’s lips move slowly, carefully, and Jihoon starts to get a little breathless. But he doesn't dare to pull away, not as long as he keeps him in his arms like this.

 

_ Twenty-eight. _

 

_ Twenty-seven. _

 

_ Twenty-six. _

 

_ Twenty-five. _

 

His cheeks are wet. He's crying, but he doesn't know why, and he still doesn't want to stop, his breath careful against Guanlin’s lips as he stops for a moment, then kisses him once more. Seconds pass, and he's running out of time.

 

_ Twenty-four. _

 

_ Twenty-three. _

 

_ Twenty-two. _

 

_ Twenty-one. _

 

_ Twenty. _

 

_ I want to remember this _ , Jihoon says as Guanlin caresses his back. He wonders if Guanlin is crying too, but he's too scared to open his eyes to check.

 

_ Nineteen. _

 

_ Eighteen. _

 

_ Seventeen. _

 

_ Sixteen. _

 

_ Fifteen. _

 

_ Fourteen. _

 

_ Thirteen.  _

 

_ Twelve. _

 

_ Eleven. _

 

_ Ten. _

 

He's waiting for fireworks to go off any second now.

 

_ Nine. _

 

Guanlin sweetly cups his cheek.

 

_ Eight. _

 

_ Please _ , Jihoon begs whoever is listening.  _ Just this once I want to remember. _

 

_ Seven. _

 

He's so breathless now, but he doesn't want to pull away, doesn't want to let go of this moment.

 

_ Six. _

 

Why does life have to be so cruel to him?

 

_ Five. _

 

No.

 

_ Four. _

 

Jihoon doesn’t want to think like that anymore.

 

_ Three. _

 

No regrets, he reminds himself.

 

_ Two. _

 

Even if life is cruel to him, Jihoon is sure of one thing, and that is that he is absolutely grateful for everything that Guanlin has done for him.

 

_ One. _

 

_ I love you, Lai Guanlin.  _

 

And just like that, Jihoon only sees white.

  
  
  



End file.
